Where does Violence towards Women begin? Understanding and Responding to Teen Sexual Harassment

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A Parent’s Worry, A Therapist’s Concern

As a therapist working with adolescents, I witness the clinical impact of sexual harassment regularly – the anxiety, the withdrawal, overload and overwhelm, the erosion of self-worth. But as the father of 14-year-old twins of both genders trying to navigate the complex social and digital landscapes of high school, the statistics and stories hit much closer to home. It’s a topic that evokes both professional analysis and deep, visceral parental concern. It forces me, and likely many of you reading this, to confront uncomfortable truths about the risks our children face, the narratives and belief systems they carry, and our role as parents and as a society in all of this.

This article aims to challenge some thinking and raise awareness.  As a feminist, a father and a therapist I feel I have a perspective worth sharing that I hope will move us along the line to new ways of being.  We’ll explore what sexual harassment looks like for teenagers today, how common it is, the profound impact it can have, and crucially, how we as parents, carers, educators, professionals (and just society) can better support our young people, help them heal if they are harmed, and work collectively towards new attitudes.

I’d like us to have more discussion with our children – mostly those of us caring for and working with boys.

We know this isn’t a rare or isolated problem. Research confirms that a concerning number of young Australians experience unwelcome sexual behaviours, ranging from persistent offensive comments and online abuse to physical touching and even assault, often starting in their early teens.1 These experiences aren’t confined to dark alleys or interactions with strangers; they happen frequently within peer groups, at school, online, during parties, and sometimes, most disturbingly, involve older individuals or adults who exploit power imbalances.4 Australian studies paint a stark picture: around half of young women aged 16-17 report experiencing some form of sexual harassment in the past year, along with about a third of young men.4 For young women aged 18-24, the rate is alarmingly high at 35%.4 Even focusing specifically on peer harassment before age 18, national data suggests 1 in 10 Australians have experienced it.2

What has also become quite apparent for me having the recent lived experience; I think the figures above are understated for women and girls.  Having worked in schools with groups of young people, with individuals and raising my own two, I think our young people (both men and women) don’t truly understand the underlying motivations and seriousness of much of the behaviour either exhibit, or that they have learnt to deal with daily and mostly brush off.  This includes invading personal physical space constantly, relentless communication and invitations (digital and in person), queries about personal lives/dating interests, public and private commentary (evaluation) about appearance – the list goes on. 

Also, general under-reporting is a significant and recognised issue, particularly for sexual abuse involving adults, where studies show the vast majority of incidents are never reported to police.7 Stigma, fear, shame, confusion, or not knowing how or who to tell prevent many young people from speaking out.14 As a father, I know my kids might not tell me everything, even if I try to create an open environment. As a therapist, I know many survivors carry their experiences in silence for years, sometimes decades. The true prevalence is almost certainly higher than surveys can capture.

And then if young men aren’t getting their way, what appears as fundamentally FDV and coercive control in any other context starts – systemic patriarchy and toxic stereotypes and behaviour – when boys don’t get their way through request, they try harassment, then they punish. Bullying via gossip, public and private degrading comments/jokes and exclusion.  And worst of all they tend to team up in support of one another.  But again, having worked with groups of boys, and chatting with my own son, I don’t believe they adopt the thinking and behaviours in a vacuum.  I think because we aren’t talking with them and providing better role modelling, information and consequence, that they are end up in group think and adopting what have seen or do see around them.

I will always remember this comment from my daughter not so long ago – “Men started looking and staring at me since I was about 11”.  As tuned in as I thought I was, it wasn’t obvious to me she was very aware and already adjusting to the predatory nature of boys and men from pre-teens.  Look at those number and age ranges above again, and keep it in mind as we go over the definition of sexual harassment again.

Understanding the Landscape: What is Sexual Harassment for Teens?

From a legal standpoint, sexual harassment involves unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature that makes a person feel offended, humiliated, or intimidated, where a reasonable person would anticipate that reaction.9 But for teenagers, and for us as parents trying to explain it, we need simpler terms. From my therapist’s perspective, the core issue is the violation of personal boundaries and the resulting negative emotional impact – feeling uncomfortable, degraded, ashamed, frightened, or simply unsafe.4 The key elements are that the behaviour is unwelcome and its impact on the person experiencing it, regardless of the perpetrator’s intent.9 When I talk to my own 14-year-olds, I explain it as anything around dating, relationships, gender etc that someone says or does that makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or ‘not right,’ especially if they don’t stop when you want them to, or if you feel you can’t say no.

Sexual harassment isn’t a single act; it exists on a spectrum, encompassing various forms that teens might encounter:

  • Verbal Harassment: This is common and includes sexually suggestive comments, offensive jokes about sex or gender, intrusive questions about someone’s private life or body, unwelcome requests for dates or sexual favours (especially when persistent after a ‘no’), spreading sexual rumours, or making insults based on sex.4
  • Physical Harassment: This involves any unwelcome physical contact of a sexual nature. It can range from seemingly minor acts like deliberate brushing up against someone, pinching, or unwanted touching, hugging, or kissing, to more severe forms like grabbing, indecent exposure, physical assault, and sexual assault or rape.4
  • Visual/Non-Verbal Harassment: This includes actions like staring or leering at someone’s body parts, making sexual gestures, or displaying or sending sexually explicit pictures, photos, videos, memes, posters, or screensavers.4
  • Online/Technology-Facilitated Harassment: The digital world presents unique avenues for harassment. This includes sending unwanted sexually explicit emails, texts, or messages on social media; making inappropriate advances in chat rooms or gaming platforms; cyberstalking; online grooming (building rapport with intent to abuse); sharing intimate images or videos without consent (image-based abuse); and sexual extortion (‘sextortion’ – threatening to share intimate images unless demands, often for money or more images, are met).4 The pervasiveness and potential anonymity of online interactions can make this form particularly damaging and hard to escape.11 What might be intended as a ‘joke’ or dismissed as online drama can feel intensely violating, persistent, and humiliatingly public for the target.

Underpinning all discussions about sexual harassment is the concept of consent. This isn’t just about the absence of a ‘no’; it’s about the presence of an enthusiastic, freely given, and ongoing ‘yes’.10 Consent must be specific to the act, can be withdrawn at any time, and cannot be genuinely given if someone is coerced, pressured, intimidated, or significantly impaired by drugs or alcohol.12 It’s crucial to teach teens that consent is not implied by what someone wears, their relationship status, past sexual activity, or flirting.23 As parents, these conversations about consent, body autonomy (the right to control one’s own body), and respecting others’ boundaries need to start early and continue often.25 We need to move beyond “no means no” to instill the understanding that “only yes means yes,” empowering our children to assert their own boundaries and recognise and respect those of others.23  Consent and respect for boundaries also exists outside the physical realm and in emotional and verbal areas as well. 

We also need to supporting young people with the techniques to assert themselves and support them side-by-side on the paths when people don’t respect boundaries and continue with the same or escalated behaviours.   We are pushing against long held attitudes and beliefs that lead to minimising situations – push on firmly!

Opening the Door – How do I Talk to my child about Sexual Harassment?

Proactive conversations are key to prevention and creating an environment where learning can happen, support can be given and disclosure feels possible when things do pop up. Don’t wait for a crisis.

Proactive conversations are key to prevention and creating an environment where learning can happen, support can be given and disclosure feels possible when things do pop up. Don’t wait for a crisis.

  • Normalize the Topic: Integrate discussions about bodies, boundaries, respect, and consent into everyday life from a young age.25 Use opportunities like scenes in movies, news stories, or school events to spark age-appropriate conversations.26 Small, frequent chats are often more effective than one “big talk”.26
  • Define Clearly: Explain consent using the FRIES model (Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific) or similar concepts. Talk about different forms of harassment – verbal, physical, online – using relatable examples.21
  • Teach Boundaries: Help your teen understand their right to personal space and bodily autonomy. Encourage them to think about their own comfort levels and how to communicate them clearly and respectfully.24 Equally important is teaching them to recognize and respect others’ boundaries, both verbal and non-verbal cues.25 Role-playing how to say ‘no’ assertively or navigate peer pressure can be helpful.25
  • Address Online Safety: Discuss the specific risks of the digital world, including sharing intimate images (sexting), image-based abuse, online grooming, and sextortion.18 Reinforce that consent applies online just as it does offline – asking before sharing photos, respecting privacy settings, and knowing it’s okay to say no to requests for nudes or sexual chat.21
  • Discuss Alcohol and Drugs: Explain clearly that someone who is significantly intoxicated cannot legally or ethically give consent, and engaging in sexual activity with them constitutes assault.24 Frame this around safety and responsibility, ensuring the focus remains on the perpetrator’s actions, not blaming the victim.24
  • Check In and Listen: Ask open-ended questions about their understanding of these topics, their friendships, and what they see happening around them (e.g., “How do you know if someone’s okay with a hug?” “What does respect look like in friendships?”).24 Be prepared to listen more than you talk.

These aren’t always comfortable conversations, especially with teenagers who might be resistant or embarrassed. Approaching it from a place of care, focusing on respect, safety, and their right to feel comfortable and in control, can make it easier. It’s an ongoing dialogue, not a one-time lecture.

What can Schools do to Support Teens around Sexual Harassment?

Ask your students if they feel like reporting sexual harassment will help?  The number of teens who see reporting events (with names or without) as pointless is amazing.  This is a massive red flag for a school because they either see you as ineffective or complicit in maintaining a culture of sexual harassment.

I think we also have some way to go in teacher education and awareness about what sexual harassment (and toxic patriarchal behaviours).  Boys entering gymnasiums to sit and watch a class might very easily be sexual harassment we also knew that same boy regularly followed around a member of the class and watches from a distance – we need to shift lenses to be more aware of the subtleties rather than brush things off as harmless.

How can Parents and Carers Walk Alongside and Support Teens experiencing Sexual Harassment?

Discovering or suspecting that your teenager is experiencing sexual harassment is one of the most distressing situations a parent can face. Your response is critical – not just in the immediate aftermath, but in fostering long-term healing and resilience. This requires awareness, open communication, and unwavering support.

Recognizing the Signs:

Teenagers experiencing harassment may not disclose it directly. It’s important for parents to be attuned to potential changes in their child’s behaviour, emotions, or physical state. While none of these signs are definitive proof on their own, a pattern or sudden shift warrants gentle attention. Potential indicators include:

  • Emotional/Behavioural Changes: Increased sadness, anxiety, irritability, anger, or moodiness; withdrawal from family or friends; loss of interest in hobbies or activities they previously enjoyed; sudden drop in self-esteem or increased self-criticism; becoming more secretive, especially about online activity or social plans; changes in friend groups; developing fears or avoidance of specific people, places, or situations; changes in sleep patterns (insomnia, nightmares, sleeping too much) or eating habits; mentioning self-harm or suicidal thoughts; engaging in risky behaviours like substance use; displaying unusual or age-inappropriate sexual knowledge or behaviour.12
  • Academic Changes: Sudden disinterest in school; frequent complaints about wanting to stay home; unexplained absences, tardiness, or skipping classes; a noticeable drop in grades or difficulty concentrating.12
  • Physical Changes: Frequent or unexplained headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, or other physical complaints.12
  • Online Behaviour Changes: Becoming unusually secretive about their phone or computer use; appearing distressed or upset after being online; significant changes in online social interactions.22

As a parent, you know your child best. Trust your intuition. If something feels off, it doesn’t mean jumping to conclusions, but it does mean creating opportunities to check in and let them know you’re there.

When a Teen tells you about Sexual Harassment – How do you Respond?

If your teenager discloses an experience of sexual harassment or assault, your immediate response is crucial for their healing journey. Here are the essential steps:

  • Stay Calm: Your own emotions – shock, anger, fear, guilt – are valid, but try to manage them in the moment. A calm demeanor helps your child feel safer and more able to talk.43 Take deep breaths if needed.72
  • Listen Patiently and Attentively: Stop what you’re doing, give them your undivided attention. Let them tell their story in their own words and at their own pace. Avoid interrupting, asking excessive questions (especially leading ones like “Did he touch you?”), or rushing them.71 Use open-ended prompts if necessary (“What else can you tell me?”).72
  • Believe Them Unconditionally: This is perhaps the most critical step. State clearly and unequivocally, “I believe you”.43 Many survivors fear disbelief.43
  • Validate Their Feelings and Reassure Them: Acknowledge the difficulty of what they’ve shared (“That sounds incredibly difficult/scary”). Reassure them repeatedly that it was not their fault, they did nothing wrong, and they are not to blame.43 Praise their courage for telling you (“Thank you for telling me. That must have taken a lot of strength”).71 Let them know all their feelings are okay.75 Avoid any language that could imply blame, even unintentionally (e.g., questioning their choices leading up to the event).74
  • Prioritize Safety: Gently inquire about their immediate safety (“Are you safe right now?”).74 If there is immediate danger, call 000.43 Discuss steps to ensure their ongoing physical and emotional safety.72
  • Empower with Voice and Choice: Ask them what they need from you right now and what they hope will happen next.50 While safety is paramount, involving them in decisions about next steps respects their agency and can help restore a sense of control.76
  • Explain Next Steps and Confidentiality Limits: Be honest about what needs to happen next, especially regarding safety and potential reporting obligations. Avoid making promises you can’t keep, like absolute secrecy, particularly if mandatory reporting laws apply in your situation.71 Explain
    why certain steps (like reporting) might be necessary (e.g., “To make sure you’re safe and this doesn’t happen again, I need to talk to [school/police/child protection]”). Discuss who else might need to be informed and, where possible, involve your teen in deciding who they are comfortable telling.71
  • Do Not Investigate or Confront: Resist any urge to investigate the incident yourself or confront the alleged perpetrator. This can compromise official investigations and potentially put your child or others at further risk.71 Leave investigation to the appropriate authorities (police, school administration, child protection).71

References

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